-We have known each other for ever, haven’t we? We’ve done loads of things together.
Ben was quiet and listened to Andrea talking.
-We have known each other for ever, yes. But you can never be sure of how much you know somebody…Of course, the more you know somebody, the more you tend to think this person would understand everything about yourself, if you’d tell him. So you try. Or is it the opposite way around? Is it that you are afraid of letting your friend down because you do not want to deceive the idea people have about you. By the way, I don’t even know what idea I have about myself…Yes, it’s that.
Ben was laying in the dark and he didn’t say a word. He wanted to figure out what Andrew was trying to say.
-Then I thought that if you don’t open up with people who are close to you, who are you supposed to talk to? Who are you supposed to open yourself to? Shall one keep silent about one’s inner thoughts or shall one just unfold all secrets to the first guy passing by? I think I have to tell you something.
Ben suddenly got more attentive, though he would have loved to see Andrew’s face, because he was sure that if he had looked at him in the eye he would have understood the meaning or at least the direction of his friend’s monologue.
-I have been thinking about it for years. Andrew said. –Years. And I have never told anyone.
He hesitated for a second and then he added:
-I want to be a woman. I want to be a woman, I wish I was born as a woman, I want to become a woman.
Ben jerked back. Then he cracked a smile, waiting for Andrew’s laughter, as he always did after saying very serious things as if they were true. But the laughter did not come.
-I want to become a woman, Ben, I have wanted it for whole my life.
-You are joking. Ben said.
Andrew did not answer.
-You are joking. Ben repeated.
Silence. Then Andrew started talking again.
-No, it’s true. Maybe I should not have said it, but I have been keeping it inside myself for too long, I cannot keep it any more.
Silence. And Ben started thinking that the fact of being in the dark and not seeing Andrew’s face was actually a good thing, because he felt ashamed of the expression taken by his face, now that he had understood Andrew was not joking at all. He felt ashamed because he did not expect this at all. There were so many things, so many thoughts, all coming to his mind at once. He could not sort out his thoughts. Silence lasted for a few minutes more, then Andrew started justifying himself clumsily, while at the same time he felt he badly needed to open himself to Ben and to show him how determinate he was in his decision.
-I needed to tell you.
Ben was confused. The shift from thinking the whole thing was nonsense to realizing Andrea was talking for real and was trying to start a serious conversation had been too short. Ben did not know how to react. Actually, it did not know how to start. So many things they did together, so many difficult moments they had been through, there is no reason why Ben should not engage a conversation about this. He rightly felt involved and, helped by the darkness in the twin-bed room, he wanted to understand his friend better. The friend he thought had no secrets for him. All sorts of memories came to his mind, but he owed this to him, because they were friends. With a puzzled but quiet voice, Ben started an endless list of questions.
-What does it mean that you have been thinking about it for years? Where does this come from?
-I cannot explain it, but I have always wanted a woman’s body. Me, with a woman’s body, I mean.
-What? What about all the girls you fucked with? What about all the nights we spent talking about girls and all the ones you touched and French-kissed when we were clubbing? What about Gioia, your girlfriend, does she know about it?
All these questions scared Andrea a bit, but he expected them, he knew they would come when he decided to tell this to Ben.
-You see, I don’t know. It’s such a strong desire, it has always been in this way, I cannot explain it, I have always had it but I never let it come out. Neither with other people nor with myself. Then, three or four years ago I found this website, it is a sort of forum of transsexuals where they share their experiences…And I suddenly understood that mine was not a fantasy but a strong desire. Something that is part of me, something very strong.
-Three or four years ago? How is this possible?
Andrea kept talking, now into the speech.
-It was such a relief because I felt part of a group of people and not “abnormal”. I felt my desire was licit, I could allow my mind to think freely and to allow some thoughts that I had unconsciously hid for years. My mind would stop them, it would prevent them from coming out. An automatic self-repression I was not even aware of. Self-repression was due to external influence, to what I see and hear everyday, to the values transmitted to me by society, the concepts of what is “licit” or “illicit”.
-Explain me more. How did you realize all this? How is it that me, somebody theoretically one of your closest friends, how come I did not understand anything? Ben was shocked, but he was also getting angry, he felt stupid, he’d never realized anything. Fuck it.
-Suddenly, while I was surfing on that website, a whole world opened up before me. It may sound insane, but it was my world opening up to me. It was the door I had been looking for for years, without even knowing it. So, I registered to the forum. It’s been years, now. I have some friends, I have chatted and discussed with experts, I have asked all I could possibly ask to those who have undergone surgery and to who is planning to do it. I have taken information about where and how to do it, I have talked to who performs it. I have started a therapy and I have recently started to take hormones. I have done anything possible to hide this from you.
Ben was shocked.
-So, you have made up your mind. You are not asking for my opinion, you are not telling me all this to have some advice. You are just presenting the situation to me, a decision you have already made.
-No, I am not asking for advice. I am asking you to accept me.
-Andrea, fuck you. This is not something that happens everyday, you know.
Andrea giggles.
-Yeah.
-To accept you, accept you. I don’t know. Of course I accept you, you are Andrea, my best friend, god. We have grown up together, we have done everything together, everything. Crazy stuff and girls also. Fuck this. I cannot believe it. Let me be at least a bit surprised, will you? Le me be a bit puzzled, will you? I don’t know what to say. You said you took all the information you could. Explain it to me.
In the darkness, Ben opened his arms, completely resigned. They had a long night ahead.
-See, at first I went to see a psychologist, someone a girl from the forum told me about and I explained to him the situation, what I felt, etc. His role has been fundamental. First, he wanted to understand my motivation and then he helped me, he is helping me, to know myself better, to try to understand myself…In general, therapy lasts two years. After six months, it was when I told you I was going to play squash, well, anyway, they told me I could start taking drugs, hormones, etc.
-How did you go through all this by yourself? You never told me anything.
-And if there are positive results of this double treatment, well, I will be able to submit an application for surgery…without interrupting therapy…
Ben was speechless. He felt rejected, he felt he did not understand anything, he was the one not feeling at ease. When talking about the possibility of a physical transformation, Andrea’s voice had changed and this, Ben thought, revealed the sparkle in Andrea’s eyes he could not see in the darkness.
-Does Gioia know this?
-No.
-When are you planning to tell her?
-I don’t know. I still have not thought about it, I first wanted to talk to you.
-Thank you. It was time. Fuck you, sorry eh? You better tell me, because now I have the right to know more. How is sex with her? How can you make love to her, shit, Andrea, you have been following this forum for three years, you are under therapy, you are taking hormones.
-I don’t know Ben, I love Gioia very much, but when we make love…how can I explain this to you…Well, I think my body is a woman’s body and I get aroused. How can I explain this to you. I think I have a vagina and I have a hard-on. When she sucks me, I think I have a clitoris and I come. That’s it. It’s all mental. Though I must say that I do not last so much and I concentrate to such an extent that sometimes it is really frustrating.
Ben was puzzled.
-How come. What about strength and manhood? Don’t you like taking Gioia, shit! Don’t you like having sex with women? Don’t you like making a woman feel your manhood, seeing that she enjoys it? Don’t you feel important, strong and alive when you take her?
-No. Actually I am jealous of their orgasm. I would love to come in that way. Feminine orgasm is indescribable, so intense, complete, complex and perturbing.
Ben was speechless.
-So, what about Gioia?
-Well, I make love to her because I love her. I can see she likes it and I like her too. Simply, if I want to get aroused and to come, I think I am a woman, I think I am a woman who is making love to another woman. This is the only way I can come.
-I don’t think Gioia feels the same. I think she sleeps with you because you are a man, because she likes your dick, Andrea!
-This is why I have not told her yet, I don’t know how to tell her.
His voice trembled, as if he was about to cry, but then it got back to normal. Ben still did not understand if Andrea was crying or not. He heard him sniffing, swallowing, then he started talking again. Ben was almost mad at him. He would want Andrea to explain himself better, but Andrea was actually talking in a very rational way. He knew him and he also knew it must have been very difficult for him to have that conversation and opened himself up so much. This is why he tried to listen to Andrea and to understand. But Ben did not like Andrea’s careless manner of telling these things. It is not true. It was not carelessness, it was more like Andrea was speaking spontaneously, he was being humble, too. He was sort of surrendering to his feelings. This approach made Ben angry and he felt he wanted to shake Andrea. For a moment, he felt he wanted to be violent and yell at him because he could not believe him. He was trying to be as open-minded as possible-he had imposed this to himself, fucking hell, he had imposed this to himself that he would accept anything because he was his friend, his brother…- Ben did not know what to do. Suddenly, tears…
-Has it always been this way? I mean with the other girls. Fuck it, Andrea, women, they like you, you have had a lot of girls, don’t tell me you always thought of you as a woman when you were sleeping with them!
-Yes.
Ben could not believe it, he could not be angry either.
-Tell me. When you are on your own and you masturbate, beside thinking you are touching a pussy, do you also think it is a man’s hand who is touching you or…what do you think it is?
-Well, I don’t know. Sometimes I just think that I have a vagina and not a penis. I don’t think about who is touching me. But to me there is no difference in thinking that it may be a man or a woman. This is not the point. But I wish I had a vagina, really. Such a beautiful, hidden organ. What I like about women is their strength, mixed with beauty. I have always thought of them as very mysterious creatures.
-So, women excite you. They excite you so much that you want to be one of them….is this right?
Ben asked this and he felt relieved, as if the current problem was accepting that Andrea liked men, that he could sleep with a big and hairy man like him. Crazy, he realized it was nonsense. He could accept the fact that his friend wanted to undergo surgery and become a woman, but he could not accept that he was gay. He felt ashamed. It was a taboo inside a taboo, a limited mind into a mind that had been forcefully opened.
-Well, I am not saying that when I will be a woman I won’t sleep with men. But this is not the point.
Ben did not say anything but he felt scared, it was stupid, he perfectly knew that, Andrea might try to make up with him. It was disgusting even just imagining it, though he never thought he had something against gay men. But please don’t touch, live your life and leave me alone. But now he could not be left alone, he was part of it because Andrea was part of this world and he would keep in contact with Andrea, whether he got operated or not, because he was his friend and this would not change. Though…how much? How much will he change? Ben started having ruminating, sleep-wreaking and soul-destroying thoughts.
-Have you thought of your future? What about your job? Do you realize how difficult it will be to be accepted by other people? I mean, you know it is already difficult for me, and I know you…How do you think they…?
-This is why talking with other people in my same situation has helped me a lot and will help me in the future. Every personal experience brings about collective awareness and I trust human beings, even if it is dangerous.
-Fuck you, Andrea, you sound like you have converted. You are so positive, maybe it is better this way. But do you know that in many countries in the world there are very repressive policies against the people who take this sort of decision? Do you know transsexuals are exposed to violence and discrimination everyday?
-Your way of talking has also changed. I did not know you were an expert of the worldwide situation! He laughed. –I know, I know, but this is not a reason to hide.
-But you will be a very ugly woman!
Ben tried to bring the tension down and not to show his inner feelings.
Andrea laughed.
-You know what? I am not so interested any more. Do you know what people say? That the main goal is not beauty or perfection but the fact that your inside is reflected in your body. I cannot look at myself in the mirror now. It is disgusting. This thing hanging, all this hair…I want a smooth skin, a vagina. I want lace underwear and go shopping for women’s accessories. It’s stupid, superficial, maybe, but this is how it is.
Ben kept silent, there was no hope, he thought. Somebody he thought he knew but that he actually did not know at all.
-That thing hanging is your penis, fuck you! The same thing we compared when we were kids to see who had the biggest one, the same thing all men are proud of!
-Not for me. I am ashamed of it. And sometimes I look at myself naked in the mirror and I put it between my legs so that I cannot see it and this is the only way I can look at myself…what do you want me to say?
-Nothing. But at least let me be shocked.
Andrea was also shocked. His words shocked him. It was the first time he could really explain thoughts he had never expressed loudly before. This moved him and he felt proud he could talk with such determination and self-esteem, he felt proud of having taken that decision. Paradoxically, he felt analysed and therefore not very much at ease; but, for the first time, he felt himself with one of the persons he loved the most, and this made him feel completely at ease.
This is why he let emotions flow freely. He laughed, he cried. He explained. He answered Ben’s greedy and angry questions because he felt that even if he was shocked, Ben was trying to understand and he was doing this in the name of their long friendship. He could feel Ben’s will to understand and this soothed his fear of not being accepted. Although his decision was final, he still felt scared, and it was normal he felt that way.
Ben listened to him talking and he kept quiet. He was sort of savouring this intimate moment of exchange. He asked some questions when he could interrupt Andrea for a second, because he wanted to satisfy all his curiosity, he wanted to understand as much as possible, by taking advantage of the atmosphere created in the room.
Slowly slowly the conversation came to an end, outside it was daylight and the two friends said goodnight to each another. But Ben’s eyes kept wide open and his body and mind were still awake. He was worn out, yes, he was worn out by his own mental trips.
How could his relationship with Andrea kept being the same if Andrea was not who he thought he was? What if he underwent surgery? How would it be to hang around with him, how would it be after surgery? One after the other, scenes of them getting drunk together, saying dirty things and comments about girls came to his mind. Was it possible that he always faked? When he went to tell him about the problems he was having with Barbara, his former girlfriend. How could this not change?
-Much will change, but it will still be me. Andrea whispered in the dawn’s semi-darkness. And Ben did not speak up his nagging feelings.
-Thanks for listening to me.
Andrea stopped talking, Ben heard him crying but he did not feel like saying anything else and not even to get closer to him to try to make him feel better. This was already too much for him. And he also felt like crying.
Slowly slowly, people left, even the last ones said good night and went. The kitchen got silent and empty and Xenia, Zoe, Doug and Emma quietly took back control over the house. They sat around the kitchen table. Then Zoe got up and started cleaning up. Doug was extremely tired and he went sitting on the couch. Emma was drawing without saying a word, when she lifted her head and she saw Ben, sitting on an armchair in the corner. He had been sitting there all night. He was sitting and stared in front of him, as if he had spent hours thinking. His shaky and nervous hands were the only things showing what was really going on inside him. Emma kept drawing, the light was low and reggae music in the background dilated time.
Ben started talking. Shyly at first.
-Something really weird happened to me and I don’t know who to talk about it with. It’s not weird, but…peculiar, I was not expecting it and I don’t know what to do.
And he immediately got the other three’s attention.
-You know, I went home this weekend and I saw Andrea, my friend, you see who he is, right? I have talked about him a thousand times. Well, then I slept at his place and we were there in the dark, each one in his bed, when he started telling me weird stuff such as he wants to become a woman, he wants to undergo surgery and have a vagina.
Doug sat up straight on the sofa. Suddenly, he was not tired any more.
Ben kept talking.
-Sorry if I am telling this to you, but it is psychologically killing me and I really needed to tell it to somebody. I want to understand better.
Zoe turned towards him and stopped cleaning the kitchen. For the first time since she had known him, she saw lack of self-esteem in Ben’s look. She could tell he felt nervous and weak and it was strange to see him in that condition. Ben was so big and such a boaster. Ben was a man in all his gestures and he was always very sure of himself. So she sat down and she told him to keep talking. Emma too stopped drawing and started paying attention to his words. So, Ben sighed and he told about the night, the conversation, with all the details. His three friends sometimes kept quiet, sometimes they laughed, but they never interrupted him. He talked and helped himself with gestures, he never got up that big velvet armchair. When he got to the end of the story, he explained to them how puzzled and devastated he had felt, so that he could not sleep that morning, when Andrea had finally stopped talking and told him goodnight. Ben had stayed there, his eyes wide open and the birds’ morning chant clashing against the noise of his thoughts.
-I think your friend is an old lesbian! Xenia said with her usual tactless manner.
-This is the curse of the cunt. Doug commented at the end of Ben’s story.
-This is the spell of the pussy!
The two girls laughed. Ben got serious.
-In a sense, I thought the same. Don’t you think that all these pictures of naked women everywhere, breasts, buttocks and the stereotype of the woman with the perfect body make us perverts? I mean, either we want to fuck them all or we want to be one of them, like Andrea. He even told me he is looking forward to going shopping and buying lace underwear for himself. This is the influence of compulsive buying, magazines, advertisements…Do you know what he told me? That he often gives to Gioia, his girlfriend, very sexy underwear and then he is jealous because he would like to be the one wearing it. I think this is perversion induced by the media. I have known Andrea for years and I am very fond of him, but I must admit that if I did not know him I would think he got completely nuts by reading crap magazines at the dentist’s waiting room. But no, actually he means it, he is aware of his decision.
-It is hard to imagine, that’s for sure. Emma said.
-It must be harder for you, but your interpretation kind of makes sense. I had not thought of it in that way.
-Let me explain, I don’t want to put into question his decision, I mean, if he decided to talk to you about this it is because he is confident enough not to take the risk of looking ridiculous. But yes, I believe all this cunt everywhere is meaningful. I think it must have helped. I mean, I also find myself making comments about girls, though I have never doubted I only like men…
Doug stood up and said abruptly: -I don’t know. It does not make that effect to me. I am a bit disgusted actually. I mean, all these hot girls disgust me at the end of the day. I give a glance to pictures of half-naked women on magazines, to pussies on TV, but I would rather sleep and hang around with an ordinary girl. Someone I can talk to and make love to. And when I make love to her I certainly do not wish I had a vagina! Yes, there is a “cunt saturation” and your friend has surely been hit by a serious form of spell of the pussy. But he already had that in mind, I don’t think all this cunt everywhere make all men wish they had one.
-As a matter of fact, I don’t wish I had one. Ben said. –I just want to fuck them all. And it is not a problem, actually. I am more impressed when I see 50/60 year-old women with the kid in the trolley, going shopping with a g-string showing and wearing stiletto shoes. That shocks me and I feel sorry for them. Because these are women who could be my mother, dressed up like their daughters and would let themselves be fucked by the first one passing by. But I like seeing all these hot girls’ pics everywhere. That’s why I cannot even imagine Andrea would get laid by a man if he could.
-Well, it’s a different feeling. That’s curiosity. Once he will be operated, as he will be lucky enough to try it in a way he has never tried it before, to be penetrated instead of penetrating, and not anally. Well, that’s understandable. Why not? Xenia said.
-Understandable? What the fuck Xenia! I am shocked, this time I am really shocked. At first I did not say anything, because as I said I am very fond of him and I am also kind of flattered that he told me all this, though after many years…Well, better late than never. But, anyway, I really don’t know what to think, what to do.
-It is true. Anyone can make comments about a woman’s body, whether they are men or women. A girl talking about another girl’s tits is not considered a lesbian. We are so pushed into looking at women’s body, into having this ideal stereotype of how a body should look like. Emma was thinking loudly. –With men, this happens much less.
-What do you mean by “pushed into” Xenia said. –I like beauty, sensuality, details. I like what I like and I don’t put into categories on how it is or how it should be. I look at women because they are beautiful.
-No. Emma answered. –What I am saying is that there is the stereotype of a woman’s body, of its beauty. The fact that women are aware of it is different.
-I think this is not the point. Doug said. –The only thing I may agree on is that women are the new warriors, the new heroes, the new protagonists who win over all. This is true. Today’s women are sharks let free after years in captivity, they are praying mantis who overtake their males and who kill them after mating. Paradoxically, maybe Andrea is one of the few real men around, because he realized that nowadays, women are the real men, they hold the power. He wants to have the same strength, he wants to unveil the mystery, he wants to rule. He said that himself didn’t he? He said he is jealous of feminine orgasm. How did it define it?
-Complex, complete and perturbing.
-Perturbing…I like this word.
-Yeah. Maybe he feels weak and inferior though he is a guy. He realizes that, besides all the lessons on what it means to be a real man that he was given when he was growing up. Well, it’s just bullshit and women now hold the power and we are all subject to it. He simply does not want to. Doug resolved, grinning in triumph.
Xenia laughed.
-The curse of the cunt. She whispers. I wish it was that simple!
